Wayne’s Word - Purposeful Aging
Look at life through a windshield, not a rear-view mirror. Continue to grow, learn and give. Be relevant and curious. Incorporate the 3C’s – choice, curiosity, and courage into your worldview and lifestyle.
I was recently asked by someone to consider doing a blog on aging. One of the interesting things about this topic is it has one very important feature. The feature of course, is that the aging process is something that we all, everyone, has in common. As I do with all of my blog topics, I did a fair amount of research on aging and discovered many things I already knew, but also, a great many things I did not know. Let me start with the definition of aging given by our new current friend, AI.
“Aging is a natural, irreversible process of change that occurs in living organisms over time, ultimately leading to deaths”. One shortcoming in this definition is that aging involves more than physical processes. Unlike AI, I am a human, I have self-consciousness, I have emotions, and I have a soul and a spirit which are all things, unlike any other living organisms, that come into play in the aging process. I will try to address all of these in some fashion, but none of them fully or adequately.
I will begin by setting out “tips” found in an online Health Guide:
1) Acknowledge and express your feelings about aging.
2) Accept what you cannot change.
3) Don’t ignore issues, remedy what you can.
4) Laugh and play.
5) Find meaningful activities and hobbies, volunteer, travel, do art or music, write your memoirs.
6) Stay connected with friends (note: many of your work contacts will disappear from your life so try to make new ones.)
7) Get/stay physically active. (this is top 10 in all health advice material.)
8) Eat properly.
9) Get adequate sleep – 7 plus hours.
10) Find challenges for your mind.
Here are some suggestions more geared to emotions and the soul, from Very Well Mind by Arlin Cuncic.
1) Notice your surroundings, take in everything you see around you – live in the moment.
2) Focus on one thing at a time rather than juggling many things at once.
3) Practice gratitude, be grateful for what you have now.
4) Practice acceptance, accept what you cannot change.
5) Meditate. (I now try to do this in small one minute increments using John Eldredge’s “One Minute Pauses” app, and Mindfulness – breath slowly and deeply focusing only on your breath)”
6) Find positive social support; associate with those who uplift you.
7) Take social media breaks. Also let me toss in news breaks and television breaks.
8) Exercise (My wife and I try to walk 10,000 steps/day)
I am going to turn to the areas of meaning and purpose in your life, and the vital need for these. In the distant past, I read War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy, which was a monumental achievement because it was more than two inches thick! I also watched the movie which was a four-hour extravaganza. One of Tolstoy’s other books, though, had a more important impact on me. The book was The Death of Ivan Ilyich. Ivan was typical of many men desiring to make money, buy things he wanted, achieve status and recognition in his society which included having a trophy wife and family and so on. One day he suffered a bizarre accident which resulted in incapacitating him and his ultimate death. During the period before death he came to some important revelations, almost like a rebirth, which were very well described by Walker Larson – “The greatest dramas of life do not centre around achieving fame or wealth, around pleasure and public opinions, but instead play out in a man or woman’s soul and have to do with the answer to the question: “Will you live for yourself or will you live for others?” As with many philosopher writers, this described what had happened to Tolstoy himself. He went through difficult emotional times and soul searching ultimately leading him to become a “Christian anarchist”, anarchist in the positive sense that he desired a spiritual life lived without the constraints and interventions into life that governments often place on the people.
Phillip Andrew, a Christian writer, once wrote, “You don’t serve the world when you live small……. The smallness you feel comes from within. Your lives aren’t small, but you are living them small. Open up your lives. Live openly and expansively.” (Andrew based this on a letter written by the Apostle Paul to the Corinthians which is found in the Bible) – (II Corinthians).
A new friend recently suggested getting an App called Insight Timer, which deals with meditation. Here are a few things I took away from a venture into the App.
1) Ask yourself what you are grateful for today. These are often sources of joy.
2) Joy is for the moment – be in the moment.
3) Avoid rumination, which is anxiety about the future (85% of what we ruminate about never happens).
I have at times, while working full time, watched and read various “executive coaches”. One such person I came across recently is Richard Leider. He had an interesting suggestion for someone like me about mentoring. I am often asked for advice by others because of my age I suppose, and my experience in business, law, charities, and family. Leider acknowledges an important role for mentors but also suggests that mentors need to learn to connect intergenerationally with younger people, and, in essence, become interns with them. You then become a ‘Mentern.’ Simply described, menterning involves teaching others , but also learning from others.
Leider also describes what “the good life” is. It involves living in the place you belong, with the people you love, doing the right work, all on purpose. The key here is “on purpose”. To me, one of the things that I have trouble understanding is how so many people, including myself at times, lead their lives by default. Leider’s advice? Look at life through a windshield, not a rear-view mirror. Continue to grow, learn and give. Be relevant and curious. Incorporate the 3C’s – choice, curiosity, and courage into your worldview and lifestyle.
I have come to realize, later in life, an area that has caused me to have emotions ranging from anxiety to depression, and at times, anger. This area is how I deal with things important to me which I have little or no control over. A simple example of this recently was me watching my fourteen year old grandson golf in a very big Junior Tournament – The Next Gen Prairie Tournament held in Saskatoon. I would get uptight even before he hit an important shot, depressed if the shot was a poor one, and even angry at the result. Where was this coming from? My emotional reaction had no impact on what my grandson was doing. This is an area I have struggled with in the past, but recently had some valuable insight into. Gregory Boyle, a Jesuit Priest, author of Tattoos On the Heart, has wisely concluded that we are not responsible for what others do or don’t do. To use his analogy, I can point others to the “switch” they need, but they need to turn it on. If something is not in my control, take out the negative emotions. Our emotions are not what we are, rather, emotions play out in our minds.
So what is my point here then? It is this. Part of proper or purposeful aging is doing what we can, what we have control over in so many areas. An example of this is having positive thoughts about what aging brings with it. Credible studies have shown that lifespan is impacted quite significantly by our thoughts. One study shows that those who accept aging positively, as opposed to being negative about everything, have increased life spans of up to 7.5 years.
Part of purposeful aging includes planning for the inevitable decline of our bodies and minds. Notice that I did not say “spirits”, but that topic is for later. My wife and I had breakfast this morning at a guesthouse with a couple from Austria visiting Canada. They are approaching retirement age and have started the aging planning process. This began with picking the city they want to retire in. They bought a house, and currently are remodelling the house to permit easy access within it, easy mobility around the house for a disabled person, washrooms that are fully usable for anyone (wheelchair friendly), and a possible suite for a possible caregiver, so that they can finish their life on earth outside of a care home. This captured my wife’s and my attention.
In the final part of this blog, I want to look at spirituality as it might impact aging. Undoubtedly, a multitude of volumes could be written on this.
I am currently reading several books about this topic, one is by John Eldredge titled Getting Your Life Back. I highly recommend this book to all. In the book he addresses “the pause” from a spiritual perspective, which I mentioned earlier on. In the chapter I just finished, he writes about “beauty”, how we were created by God to enjoy beauty in whatever form, and to be spiritually and physically refreshed by beautiful things. Eldredge provides several examples of how we should approach doing this which begins with just taking time to notice the beauty all around us, yes, including a snowstorm and the after effects. Along this line, and something I counselled people about over my past many years as a lawyer is to live in the moment. Fully engage with the present, free from distractions of the past or worries about the future. Don’t look back with regret or feel guilt about things that you have no control over now, or ruminate on the future. This is what Jesus taught us. He instructed his followers to “not worry about tomorrow” because each day has enough trouble of its own. Therefore, live a day at a time.
Jesus also taught, in the Lord’s Prayer, to give us this day our daily bread. He emphasized that believers become more aware of God’s presence and guidance in our daily lives. In the beatitudes, He describes the qualities of people that will bring blessing into these people’s lives. Give these a read. Matthew 5.
Finally, to bring this blog to an end, why don’t we turn to the acknowledged historical wisest man, Solomon (found in the Bible). He was a Jewish King who God blessed with riches, but more so, wisdom. A book of the Bible, Proverbs, contains some of his thinking and advice. What I currently am doing is reading a chapter of Proverbs every day. Proverbs has 31 chapters which correspond to seven of our months in terms of the number of days in the month. Read Chapter one on the first day of the month, Chapter two on the second day and so on. Lawyers, like I am, don’t guarantee much to anyone, but I guarantee that you will find doing this will be revealing, surprising, and very profitable for you. While you are at it, try reading the book of Ecclesiastes, also written by Solomon. Again, you will find amazing insights into life.
I am closing this off now after giving you a great many thoughts and a lot of advice. There is one final piece of advice I have; don’t try to do all of these things. Pick and choose things that you feel will be helpful for you. Ok, I have one more final piece of advice; be disciplined in doing what you choose to do and develop the discipline to continue to do these.
There you go.
By Wayne Bernakevitch
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